My last school-years were in 1968-69. Those days many discos started to pop up in Helsinki area and I went to those in order to hear music in other languages than Finnish. Often I shut the radio because I didn't like the Finnish music they were sending.
On one Tuesday I was to the disco in Dipoli in Espoo. There I got to know a young man who looked nice and was better clothed than his companions. I didn't then think he was richer than his friends. They had been playing tennis and after that came to this disco. It was probably love at first sight or something. It was as if I had known him always. Already at the age of 17 years I had thought I would like to get married but in my circles there were no young men even suitable as husband-candidates. When I had met this 'love at first sight' I must have wished for something to follow but nothing followed. Everything just got stranger week by week. Maybe it was because this man knew my godfather who had been the headmaster of the school he had participated and even been his teacher in mathematics. Probably I was not the one he could play games with. When we met it was a nice February evening. It was snowing and very warm and snowflakes were playing near the streetlamps when we took a short walk outside the disco. This man had come to the place with his white WV car but young people in my age didn't usually have cars of their own. After this we met every Tuesday in this Dipoli disco as we had some mutual agreement about this. But nothing happened - weeks just passed by and I was finally feeling to go crazy about all this.
When the summer came this man disappeared. I didn't see him during the summer months at all and I was wondering. We had not each others phone-numbers or anything to make contact with that had been normal. But I didn't think of such things as I was just so stupid young school-girl. In my world there was not yet anything so I could have been able to understand what could be wrong. During the summer I was to our summerhouse in Inkoo. One weekend I went to the dance in the folk-house in Barösund. There gathered all kind of young people from city and countryside but even some who had come there with some boats. Then there was a man, very tall, more than 190 cm, and he asked me to come to their sailing-boat as there was some party going on. I was so stupid I followed him. But there was no party - the boat was empty. As soon as we got inside the boat he caught me up and bound my both hands behind my back - and raped me. But I started to bleed. There was blood all over. I happened to have white clothes. I jumped into the water and swam to the strand-water. But how come a big army boat came just then and they picked me up and took to the hospital in Tammisaari. They even took the man with. But they didn't ask me anything. The doctors wanted to keep me in the hospital some day more but I took taxi home in Helsinki from where I phoned my parents and told I had come home in Helsinki as I didn't return to our summer house. I never told anybody about this. Those days rape was not the kind of crime as it is today, but the victim had to raise the accusations by her- or himself (oli asianomistajarikos eikä yleisen syytteen alainen kuten nyt). This took place in the later part of August. I have the report from Tammisaari hospital but it is written with such handwriting it is very difficult to read what the doctor har written.
When the Autumn came 'my man' was back to Tuesday-discos and the strange case continued. Some woman called our home and was crying after her husband. But I didn't understand. I taught it was something that had to do with my very young parents - they were then only 41-years old. They were all the time talking about divorce even if my father didn't want any divorce. There were even some women who disturbed my father often but he was not interested in any of them. But then once I was returning home from the stop of the tram number four and was just going to start walking along Kasarmikatu when I saw the new, green Saab-car of this man was parked on the street and the door to the house was open. I stopped and started to follow what was going on. Soon the man came out with a baby's bag and put it into the car. Then came a nice-looking woman - suitable for this man - and seated in the car. Then I went to the car and took hold on the car-door somewhat. But then he started to drive the car as some madman and I was hanging on the door and doorway. This is how he drove to the next corner in Tehtaankatu. I don't remember how it all ended and I don't remember more details about this. But I cannot understand how I managed this case and nothing happened to me. I just went home wondering and horrified.
After this the man told me they had got married two weeks before we had met. Maybe something tells about his immaturity when he told about his wife's pregnancy that just once and a baby will come right away, 'Yksi kerta ja heti tulee'. He even told he was ashamed of his child. I never knew who the caller was but I have thought probably it was the wife of this man. In that case probably she knew about me but I didn't know about her. It even turned out the man had used a false identity of himself and some name that was not his. His companions played with him so that this was possible, but I am very angry for this bullshit. I feel it is even criminal and nobody should play that kind of games. Nothing to wonder I didn't understand what was going on. I myself naturally didn't play any games with my identity and name.
This same year I didn't got a study-place at the Helsinki university. Even this was a reason because my father told me what about if I went to Sweden and study there and get some fresh air. I then told the man I am leaving now immediately to Sweden. Then he told me he is going to divorce and put his case forward. My father didn't believe this and because he was an attorney he found out if this was true - and it was. The man and his wife had moved to different addresses. Then he wanted meet me once more before the day I was leaving. We agreed he picked me from outside our house. I went out and started to wait but the man didn't come. I waited and waited. I walked back and fort outside our homehouse. When I had waited an hour I went inside and told my younger brother the man didn't come. But then he said he had seen from the window the man was there standing behind some cars with his too scheefer dogs and looked me the whole hour walking outside our home.
So I traveled to Sweden and first to Uppsala. I didn't feel well because I had wanted to be in Finland seeing how everything developed. I had difficulties to settle down with any studies. That was why I got a job as a help-nurse in lung cancer department at Akademiska hospital there. I visited Finland but understood already this man had got some severe alcohol problems. It didn't take long this was a fact and it was worsening. I had become 'crazy' but this much longer I cannot any more tell any details about my feelings those days. But then I lost my periods for months. Finally I went to see a students-doctor and probably I told at least something about my situation. Then she said that she thinks I am depressed and she gave me some medicine of those days for depression. For some reason I didn't think I don't want to take medicine for some depression and took the pills. Then she also informed me I cannot get pregnant in this situation. I didn't ask such a question as I didn't even have some boyfriend and didn't have any sexual relationships. I was 21 years.
Then came the All Saints' Day in the beginning of November and I traveled to Finland to spend it. When I entered the ferry I went to the cafeteria where people it meatballs with mushed potatoes etc. There were tree companions who sat around one table. I don't remember how I ended in their table. Probably they just asked me to come over because I was alone. Then I spent this evening with these guys. When the ferry was in Helsinki and we departed we agreed to meet again on the ferry for the journey back to Sweden. On the way back I for some stupid reason ended in the cabin with one of the guys - I for sure didn't know what I was doing. I was just a stupid little girl who could not think something bad could happen. I didn't at all think why are we going to your cabin... and you can guess what took place... The only explanation was that I was so anguished about my relationship with the first man that I needed something else, something real.... I don't know... However the fact is that I ended into his cabin and when we were in Stockholm still some days in his studentbox. He had even a job and when he left there in one morning he wanted me to promise I was not going to leave... But where could I have left if not to my life in Uppsala and my studentbox there....
Finally I had to leave for Uppsala. I was eating at this point those medicines for depression. It didn't take long until I understood I was pregnant. I could feel it on my breasts. I told the doctor, but she didn't want to believe. However, even they made a test and this was the fact. I was pregnant. But then they started to demand I make an abortion because this medicine for depressions causes abnormities like the talidom-cases for the baby. Here is the case of some disability abortion (vammaisabortti). They then took me to the hospital for one week in order to get rid of the effect of the medicines I had got. One week I was as cold as in some fridge and as hot as in sauna. This tells how horrible those medicines really had been.
For some reason I was too busy to tell the man and phoned from the phone-box that was in the corridor of my studentbox-flat. I can still see me sitting there and calling. I even remember what clothes I had on me. It was for sure very stupid to tell this kind of a think in phone, but however, that was what I did. But when I had told I am pregnant the man answered that he has somebody else. I still don't know if this was some kind of a truth or not or some strange first reaction - we didn't know each others almost at all yet. I was horrified and decided I have to go and meet him personally. It was a Friday evening and when I had arrived in his flat he immediately told me that he will never care about me but with the child I can do what ever I like. It was not any kind of discussion but just something he throw into the air... Then he went to the fridge and took some bottle, probably a Koskenkorva vodka-bottle, and stuck from the flat leaving me alone in his flat. I was laying on his bed and looking to the roof and thinking what now. I didn't want to start waiting when he would return. However, I didn't want to stay there alone and decided to go to his nice companion. He was at home and I spent the evening with him and he let me stay there over night.
His friend has always been very nice to me and so even now. In the morning probably about 10 o'clock the man called and asked if I was there. When he got a yes-answer it didn't take long and he was there too. Then he said just let us go home... What lets go home - I don't have a home here. I was very hurt about what had happened last evening and had needed some time so I said that with you I don't go anywhere. He had a tiny telephone-book and he started to call all woman whose names were there. Did he mean I had dragged the book from his hands. I did nothing but was wondering. I don't know who answered but very soon one woman appeared. She came som quickly I don't quite understand from where she came from. It is obvious she must have understand what was going on: some kind of quarrel and an diskussion about abortion between this man and me... she was some nurse and didn't leave. After a while we went to eat: the man, this woman, the friend of the man and I. We went to some place in Sveavägen. When we had eaten the man and this woman left together and I can still see how they disappear to the metrotunnel in Stockholm, station Rådmansgatan between Hötorget and Odenplan. I stayed with his companion... more details I cannot remember any more. However, it was a Saturday.
When Sunday-afternoon came I supposed the woman cannot be any more in his student-flat so I went there. But how come she was still there. The man shut himself into his room and the woman guarded the door. This was very strange. Then the man shouted from the room to me to go away. I felt feeling sad and very strange and left... And I took the ferry directly to my parents' home in Helsinki. At home I told my parents and my father said no abortions are made in our family.
Then some weeks passed... maybe two weeks. I had the date to abortion on 29.Decembe.. I was thinking a lot into what mess I had put myself and what kind of a man I had met. I abandoned this man in my head and even if I didn't want I thought I have to go to the abortion and let it done even if it is against what I feel and want and think it is wrong.
Then came the Christmas-weekend (this year happened to be a weekend). It was Friday 22. December. The man and his two companions came to Helsinki. Very early when the ferry had arrived in Helsinki the man called me and asked me to follow with them. It was obvious they had been drinking on the ferry and maybe a lot. They wanted to go in bars and restaurants as soon as they start serving alcohol. I went to meet them and understood this. The man was very anxious and as if he had wanted to say something but couldn't. We went to the Kultanen härkä, Kaivopiha and Richard's pub etc. To me this was very boring and finally I said that to them and that I go home now. Then this man invited me to HesaClub for the evening and I promised to come. For what reason had I stayed on some circulating from bar to bar with men who only wanted to drink? I for sure was not interested in bars or and alcohol.
Then came the evening and I left for HesaClub. When I came there it turned out the man had taken a whole cabin for himself and I was taken there. But as soon as he saw me coming he started to walk towards me and his hand in fist. He shouted something: probably I hate that woman or I will kill that woman... When he had reached me he started to hit my temples from side to side and I can still feel how 10 hits pass my pregnant body. His friends saw this and came immediately to take him off from me. He managed still to take som glas from some table an poured the liquid on my head... I naturally left the place crying, but I never told anybody. Those days it was still the case for the victim to make a law-case of some abuse as of some rape.
The next day I tried to find this man by calling to the numbers he had given to me. But nobody knew where he was. He had completely gone underground or was I shited? After the Christmas-days I had to leave for the abortion in Uppsala. His two companions were on the same boat and took good care of me - real gentlemen. I still have no idea what the man had done after this abuse of hitting me with his hands in fists. I still don't know what was the role of the woman he had called to our quarrel when he started to call 'his women' in the telephone-book. Was there some other woman or was it just bullshit? But now it was me who was pregnant and this is somewhat like the case with the first man when his wife was alone and pregnant at home and her man not together with her but with other people and women on the map.
29. December I the went to the abortion in Akademiska sjukhuset hospital in Uppsala. The operation took place in the cellar floor. I didn't want to go there and I was crying. The 'other' woman seemed to be happy for this release they would soon get. I don't know if I was the only one feeling this bad about my abortion against my will.
After the abortion I stayed in Finland and started to study there for two years. In May I visited Stockholm and informed the nice friend of the man that I was coming. When in Stockholm the man called the place where I was staying and what phone-number to me he had. He phoned at least eight times - from some restaurant - and told that even the goosebumps (hanhenmaksa) is waiting on the plates. I didn't want to meet him in any restaurant. Finally he appeared to the place where I was and with some friend I didn't really know. He was very well clothed in suit and was very nice-looking. But I could understand he had been drinking a lot. But then he threw into the air his proposal to me... and again I will answer wrongly saying 'NO'... My answer could have been YES if only we had sorted out our relationship properly to something real. When he had heard this they left immediately saying nothing. We had needed to discuss a lot and not a situation were nothing is talked through that went on.
This was the end of our story at this time. I stayed in Helsinki and he stayed in Stockholm. We met still once in 1975 when I visited Stockholm. Then I saw him looking shabby and our 'meeting' didn't take many minutes. I thought he had been drinking, but how could I know - he has not told me how much he in fact drank. It was however, as if he had decided that this is now the end. He was together with his good friend. This friend told me now and then later something little. I never removed this man from my thoughts even if he had abused me. The doctors had said that then you 'make' a new baby after this abortion... really idiotic to say anything like that when the relationships are not stabil yet. The doctors cannot know how and what they mess. I could want to make all doctors responsible for our case and who knows for what cases.
His good friend then told me around 1978 that the man had got married with this woman whom he dragged into this soap opera of ours. Then they got twins: a girl and a boy. If you think from this perspective of this man the abortion was unnecessary: two souls and spirits born however??? I even think how does a man feel who has abused a pregnant woman? His friend told me that when they quarrel the man leaves for some pub and then later the woman picks him home from there. No talking or what?
It didn't go well at all for me. I was feeling very bad and been strangely sick in many ways and my working life is what it is. Then I had a flat that was in fact too big and expensive for me alone but I could find any cheaper and more suitable. Then I met a Finnish man in Stockholm who could not speak Swedish. He had been kicked from his job in the Finnish army as airplane mechanic. He told he was married but had never even lived with his wife but got married because of their son whom he had not wanted. If this is the truth? He lived in a flat from his employer and his wife in an other city in a flat he had arranged. So as he was even without flat I took him as my tenant. I don't know what all he imagined... However he proceed during that time with the divorce and made it true. I had become very strange. I didn't care any more about nothing what happened me. As we lived in the same flat the things happened what happened. Even if there was not many times I soon realized I was pregnant. I WAS HORRIFIED. I woke up and couldn't understand where I had put myself. This was a horrible play. This was catastrophe to me. No way I could bind myself to this man. It was impossible. I ordered an abortion without thinking much more. This case had been horrible even for the child even if the man didn't want me to make an abortion. He even later once proposed to me. This is a horrible shame and sin in my life, too, as if the first hadn't been enough. I have no-one to blame even if the man had been too eager to have some sexual relationship with me. After the abortion I wanted him to move away. It was not so easy to get him move. Then he traveled to Israel to work on some kibbutz. When he returned he started to say I was obsessed by Satan. He even started to say what is wrong and false in the Bible. He sent me strange post. But I don't know how I finally got rid of him. It is a huge task to try to see to it that children are not born to impossible relationships where the parents don't even love each others mutually.
Once I was in Helsinki in summertime and happened to meet the first and strange man. He was passing me with his car and stopped. He started to ask me about my life. But about him I knew already so much I could think he was a man with heavy alcohol problems. He even told he had lost his driving license for some time. From this meeting him followed that he invited himself with his daughter to visit me for some two weeks. She was now about 12 years old. We had a nice time but nothing happened between us as partners. After this he started to write me letters and it was nice to get letters from one's first love (however, without any relationship). He even told me I was the best of all women he knew. But then some horrible silence started - I didn't receive any letters any more. For some reason we didn't phone each others that hit me now or have I forgot and even this feels strange. But then letters started to come again. He told that his daughter and ex-wife had been to some car-accident and after a while his ex-wife had passed away. Then it didn't take long and he asked me to marry him and to adopt his daughter. He even offered me a huge sum of money I was wondering and told him I don't need any money. I said 'yes' to his proposal but I don't know why things went, however, in some other way. I have no other explanation than his alcohol problems that had not suited my life. So alcohol won in fight with me. What happened then? He married an other woman whose father was said to be some alcoholic. To me he said that from this marriage will come no children. Then he even told me I can phone and come to visit him whenever I like. To me this all was very strange and I cut our relationship. Once he has said he has destroyed one woman life meaning his ex and he is not going to destroy the life of one more meaning me that time. But a person never knows when he destroys something and when something turns to something good or does he?
Then came the year 1987 and I was very lonely. Nothing interesting took place in my life. One evening I went by my car to a dancing restaurant where I used to go with my female friends. I was hanging on the bar counter and some very tall man started to talk to me. I am very tiny. This man was over 190 cm as the man who once had raped me in 1969. He told his mother had some Finnish family-background. When the evening was ended it turned out he couldn't drive his car. We even happened to live not far away from each others so I promised to drive him home. I don't quite understand why and how we ended in my flat. I had no intentions to have sex with this man and showed him my guestroom and told he can sleep there and we can pick his car in the morning. However, he didn't go to sleep as I did and after a while he entered my room and my bed and did exactly in the same way as the man who raped me in 1969. He bound my hands behind my back so that I couldn't do anything. Is this some habit how to rape tiny women? Do they even choose tiny women who look more like teenagers to they bodies? Then he pushed his huge penis into my body but not in any normal way where you remove first your pants, but this man was in such a hurry he tried to push his big penis through the pantsuit (housunpuntti) which was not so easy. It was still more complicated because I had tiny pant protector (pikkuhousunsuoja) that is made of plastic and cotton and he tried to push it inside me in front of his penis and it was very difficult. I shouted of pain but he didn't care at all. Probably he thought I was someone very tight. I don't remember more details from this night and not how I got rid of him. Probably I drove him to his car and got from the car his identity information. My grandmother died that night 95-years old.
I had to come to the my grandmother's funeral in Helsinki. But I got some very high fever and had to go and see some doctor. I had huge stomach pain. The gynecologist had to pick a lot of pieces of plastic and cotton from inside my body, but she didn't ask at all what is this and how come. Still that time a rape was a law-case to be made of the victim. When I was back in Stockholm I had to visit the doctor even there and they went on picking the pieces from my body. But soon it turned out I had become pregnant from this sexual intercourse. It was just horrible - I felt becoming crazy and didn't at all know what to do. Here some abortion might have been some suitable solution because this was nothing but a rape that is difficult to prove if not the visits to the gynecologists hadn't been enough. I was not able to think of a third abortion so as I didn't know what to do I did nothing. Days just passed and I felt as being in some torture-box from day to day. He disappeared somewhere for the summer-months as he had some sailing-boat. When he was back he started to demand I have to take an abortion. Too many weeks had already passed and some abortion had been as giving birth for a dead child. Because he claimed abortion we had to go and visit some abortion curator at Karolinska hospital. The man told some five women had taken abortion for him. Afterwards this curator told me this man is impossible and crazy. This rape had taken place on 12.-13. May. I had told my female friends I hope for some miscarriage... I had to meet the midwife at mothers' health care (neuvola) on 1. December, but there the midwives were not able to hear any heart-sounds from the baby. Finally they said the baby has died and I had to go to the hospital. Next day I had to go to the hospital again and give birth to the dead baby. It was rather horrible to stay alone at home one night knowing I had a dead baby inside my body. Probably it had been dead already some two weeks and I never felt any kicks. What about if this was something from God that he solved my whole situation and all messes with my pregnancies. Sometimes I think if I am going to meet all these three babies somewhere after the death.
At the hospital I was bound to liquids in order to make the birth-giving to start. I asked to ge a phone into the room and phoned all kind of friends... I put the radio into very high volume and danced around. It was horrible to hear how other women shouted in other rooms when giving birth to their healthy babies. Finally I felt I want to give up and lied me on the 'bed'. I wanted to have all painkillers they had. So the anesthesiologist came but the baby was out before he had been able to give me anything. The midwives told me it is easy for me to give birth to babies. Some midwife had called the man and told the baby had died but he had answered the midwife can't it be awakened back to life. It was 2. December. I was given a photo about the baby and they told that it is because I would never forget this baby. The other photo they put together with the journal of this case of mine. Nobody knows this baby was a result of a rape in the beginning of May. It had to become buried, however. The baby was cremated and I took its urn to Finland and together with my uncle put down the urn in our grave. My uncle was a dean and vicar.
One year after I had given birth to the dead-born on 2. December I was driving to my work in my car. It was a very heavy rain-weather. In front of me and behind and on sides drove huge truck-lorries (rekka kuorma-autot). The car behind me wanted me even to drive faster.Then I ended there into some water-slide and my tiny car started to jump. I cannot understand how come I managed this situation and nothing bad happened. In the afternoon when I was driving back home there was some police control in this same place and they stopped all cars. I felt this was strange because I had understood this day is exactly one year after I gave birth to the dead girl. I don't know what to think about this dead-born girl but for me it had been a complete catastrophe to have this girl alive and bind her father to me for the rest of our lives. I cannot even imagine how my life had become. I have experienced three pregnancies: one that starts wonderfully with joy but ends in abortion, one unconcerned disaster and one total catastrophe... What about if it is so people cannot love all their children as much everyone... I might be some horrible person when I think like this.
Could it be possible I have had God with me in all this... Could there be some meaning I have experienced all this... I am a sinful woman but could it be possible I have got all this in order to really understand what sin is and into what kind of emptiness sin throws people. Without all these experiences my life might be very different but what about if I didn't understand anything... at least about the nature of sin... In my case it is not impossible God has already turned bad to something god. People think they make god decisions but they can turn wrong and God turns them to something else.
The man who was my first abortpartner is already an old man as even I am. After the year 1987 I have been in contact with him but it turned to something very ugly. However, it is more like subject for an other story. The first man has passed away already in 2019. I have no idea if they have any faith in God and Jesus Christ.
If my story interests somebody you can publish it where ever you like and if somebody wants to make some film of this I would really be happy. This is an example how life can become completely crazy and one can wonder it it is finally God who makes all bad things that have happened to something else - maybe even the opposite and good.
I would like to have male perspectives to this kind of story as 'my men' are silent as dead stones.
Irmeli Grunau
23.11.2025
P.S. Today happens to be All Saints' Day...
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